I was a little unsure about whether to have a birthday celebration for Esther and me, and was nervous even after deciding to do it (if you're unsure why, have a read here and here for more than enough explanation). But I quickly realised two things. There are many people out there who love to celebrate our children, and I want to give them the opportunity to do so. And my children are missing out on so much already, I don't want to add to the loss. And actually there was a third thing - I want to celebrate Esther too! So we had a party. Mostly for Esther, and a little bit for me.
On the morning of the party Esther learnt to climb up on to the windowsill...
And Reuben heard the words "party clothes" and immediately went and dug out his ladybird costume. Ha. Not exactly what I had in mind.
The cake was carrot, and baked by one amazing friend of mine, and the brownie made by another just as amazing. I like to say these days that I have the ideas while others do the hard work.
Another(!) friend of mine very gently said to me recently that perhaps there are things in this world for me to still receive joy from. I think she is right. They are indeed there and I need to work on the receiving joy bit. You see, the words from Dave Matthews (that you may have come across here ) "all the colours mix together to grey" ring very true for me at the moment. There is colour but it all adds up to grey. So these photos (check out the colour below) are not to make you think I throw an awesome party ("life is not about having awesome experiences, it's about having mediocre ones and making them look awesome on facebook (your blog)"), but a little summary to remind me that there is colour in my life. And you know what? Every bone in my body ached with loss, but I enjoyed the party. It was way better than not having a party. That's good isn't it?
Whenever small children come to our place and spend time outside, I find little flowers dotted around the house having been collected from our garden and then forgotten about. They are usually gasping for water. If I am in the right frame of mind I give them what they need.
I thought I had them all but kept finding more.
Happy first birthday Esther. You are the best birthday present ever. Xx